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These past few months have really been trying and at times stressful for me. It’s really taught me a lot of life lessons and just when you think it’s over, it rears its ugly head once again. I’ve tried to get through it and I wave the olive branch just because I really don’t want any conflict but I’m sad to say that things will never be the same and people just won’t surrender. I honestly think I didn’t do anything wrong. I just said what I felt was right but I guess sometimes the truth hurts and people can’t handle it. I honestly feel rejected because I am their flesh and blood but I feel as if I’m just this total stranger. I know I haven’t lived with them for more than a decade but really does time even matter? I try to get them involved in our lives but it seems to be one-sided most times. I don’t think I deserve that. I tried my best to be a good daughter to them but it’s just not enough. So I’ve decided to enact some tough love. I told myself that I won’t be the one who’ll do the initiating anymore—-I’m tired of that. If things don’t improve then I guess Connor won’t get to know his grandparents on my side. I know this sounds really bad but I feel like I have no choice. I’m sorry son.

We’ve decided to take professional family photos for Connor’s 1st year birthday. I think it’s a great way to commemorate how far we’ve come as a family. Boy I hope our 2nd child won’t be envious but we’ll probably do the same when he/she turns 1 as well. I’m still looking around but I really like Jessica Giblin’s style. I hope she’ll have time in September and maybe even October for sessions. If you’re in the Sac area and you know of a great photographer let me know as well. I don’t wanna spend oodles of money on this but I am willing to spend a little bit more than usual for nice photos.

Connor seems to be doing much better. He isn’t as congested, no fevers and I think the worst is over for his upper teeth. They’re about 1-2 mm out and he seems to be in good spirits. He’s still coughing a bit though but nothing too alarming. His sleep has also greatly improved which makes me a happy mama.

I can’t believe his 1 year birthday is coming up fast. We’ll be flying to SoCal again but it’ll be less stress for us because my in-laws are planning the party. I like planning events but they get really exhausting so it’ll be a nice break for me and the hubby. I have a feeling that Mr. Connor will make out like a bandit again with gifts and money. I know for sure that the lessons learned about flying the first time around will be used.

I can’t believe this year is starting to wind down. I need to get my butt into gear when it comes to putting things in order. No more slacking! Things are good though in the family front and I think the issue that came up with me and my parents is starting to get put behind us which is good. When I saw my dad last week he seems to be okay. He didn’t stay long to see us because he had work which is good in my opinion. If he’s still acting like a hardass then it’s not my problem.

I really wanna go on a real vacation. Hawaii can’t come soon enough.

I guess I should write about our trip to San Diego. I’ll have to break it down by day so it’s more organized.

Saturday:
Departure time. I think I overpacked because both luggages were overweight. We transferred some stuff from one of the luggages to the carseat travelcase so we only pay for one. This is lesson #1 for us: make sure you bring extra luggages. Going through the security was a breeze and we had no problems. We gate checked the stroller and that was great. Connor fell asleep when the plane took off and he was asleep through most of the flight. I was really worried that his ears will bother him but they didn’t. We got to Ontario Airport a few minutes early and my sister was there early too. After that we headed to my parents. We rested a bit and my mom played with Connor for awhile. I think she was really happy and excited to see him despite her subdued enthusiasm. Around dinnertime, we headed over to my aunt’s house where we’re staying. There were tons of food and my cousins and their cousins were there. As usual, Connor was the big star, even the dog liked him. We ate, caught up and then we went to bed.

Sunday:
The day we’re driving down to San Diego. We had lunch at my aunt’s and then we went to the grocery store to get some snacks and food for Connor. I had to wait awhile for my parents to finish whatever they were doing so we left Riverside kinda late. We had a 6:30 PM dinner with friends in San Diego and we were late a few minutes. Anyway, we got to the hotel around 4 PM I think. The line wasn’t too long when we checked in so we kinda unpacked, settled in and then off we went to La Jolla. We had dinner at Aloha Sushi and when we got there the street looked familiar. It was because it was right down the street from The Cottage, a breakfast place that our friend took us a few years ago. Their food was pretty good and I think Connor enjoyed the nice breeze that is non-existent in Sac and Riverside. We stayed there until 9 PM and then we went back to the hotel. I knew I had to go to bed early so I can go to the convention center early the next day.

Monday:
I didn’t have time to eat breakfast so off I went to the convention center. I took the trolley again and I got there close to 9 AM. I noticed that there was significantly more people than last year. I remember getting inside the main hall around that time and I was able to find a seat. I couldn’t this year. So I listened to the plenary session for a few minutes, checked my emails and all that at the Internet Cafe and then did my agenda for the following days. Around 11 AM, I went out to the trolley station to meet up with the family. We headed to Rei Do Gado for lunch. Yummy!! I had my caipirinha and then I think I overdid it with the salad and sides. I didn’t eat breakfast that day so I wasn’t able to eat as much meat as I wanted to but it was still sooooo good! I love churrascarias. Then we went to Horton Plaza so I can feed the baby and then they went home and I stayed. I checked out the Academic Fair for information about certification programs. They also had free drinks and finger foods ( but I was full) so I checked those out, then I went home. When I got to the hotel, my in-laws were already there. I changed and then we went to Fashion Valley to walk around and get dinner. After a couple hours, we headed back and then the in-laws went home. Another long day.

Tuesday:
Woke up early again to go to the convention center. Went to a couple of breakout sessions and then met up with the family at the Old Town station so we can eat lunch with one of my old coworkers from SD. We ate at La Pinata at Old Town. My friend and I caught up and she got to meet Connor. This time around, our lunch date was so much better since last year, everything that could go wrong did. It was much more relaxed. After lunch we parted ways. I decided to head back to the hotel to rest. We went back to Fashion Valley again. I had to buy some things that I needed and then we went to Wings ‘N Things for some hot wings. The hubby and I were starving so you can just imagine how we looked when we were eating the wings. We brought the food back to the hotel though cause it was getting late.

Wednesday:
Free day. Since we’re not meeting with friends until dinner, we decided to eat at dim sum for lunch. We went to Emerald Restaurant this time around. My friend took me here a couple years ago and the hubby has never been to this one so we came here. Let me tell you, the food was good albeit greasy but the thing that turned me off was their high chair. They had one of those folding chairs with a metal tray on it that you have to screw in. It looked like a chair from the 70s and it didn’t look safe. Connor was fussing and he was sliding down. It didn’t have that belt thing that goes between the child’s legs to prevent them from slipping down. We ended up putting him on our laps. After lunch, we went to Mitsuwa (finally!). I could never find Mitsuwa in San Diego (Thank you GPS) because the street is situated at an odd place. I wasn’t too impressed. It’s pretty small but I did get 3 liters of Calpico (Yay!). I also got some snacks and some Japanese stoneware so that’s good. After that we went to Daiso and I bought some pens, stationery, etc. We had limited time so I can’t dilly dally. After that we went to the beach. We ended up at the Torrey Pines State Beach. Honestly, if we had more time, I wouldn’t have picked this place. It was crowded for a Wednesday because of summertime and we had to pay $8 for parking. It was also unusually hot for La Jolla at the beach. We didn’t stay that long because we didn’t have a beach umbrella and we didn’t want Connor to be exposed too long to the sun. We still had a good time though. After about 2 hours, we headed back to the hotel. We were tired so we took a nap.

For dinner, we met up with my friends from UCI. I haven’t seen them in 8 years. Two of them have kids of their own: one had twin girls and one had another baby girl so Connor was the stud. We ate at Pat & Oscar’s, a pretty family-friendly place. Let me tell you that the Mira Mesa location was packed! We had a hard time finding parking. Geez… Anyway, we can see the people at Pat & Oscar’s staring, probably because of the babies. hahaha… It was nice catching up with them. After that, we headed home. Boy that was a REALLY looooong day.

Thursday:
For breakfast we went to Extraordinary Desserts in Little Italy. Yes we are crazy. We took the trolley going there so we were sweating when we got to the cafe. We were the first ones there. The kitchen doesn’t actually open until 11 AM but people can eat inside but you just pick which dessert you want. I had the au chocolat (dark chocolate galore!) and the hubby had the cream cheese brownie. Yes, so healthy! He also had a vietnamese coffee and we both shared a pot of mango tea. After that we headed to the hotel to rest. Then at lunch time it was time to meet with Mrs. Hekmi at The Prado Restaurant at Balboa Park. We had a really great time. I also got to meet Ms. Mina. She’s such an adorable, cute little girl! I think she just started walking so it was fun to watch her interact with Connor. After filling our tummies, we decided to burn it off by walking around. I haven’t really gone around that park before, just to different sections so it was nice to take a nice stroll. After a few hours though, Connor started to get hot and fussy so we had to leave. I’m sure next time I’ll be able to meet up with Tin again. When we got back to the hotel, I noticed that Connor really was warm and I took his temperature. I think it was 101 or 102. We knew he was teething so I thought that was the culprit. Pretty much for most of the time we were down in SoCal, we were giving him Tylenol/Motrin and a sponge bath. I felt so bad for him. He would wake up every 3 hours crying and babbling. For Thursday night, we didn’t go out to dinner because we had a lot of food leftover. We started packing our stuff so that tomorrow it’s a bit easier to get our things into the car.

Friday:
I managed to squeeze in a quick swim at the pool before heading back. Connor was doing a little better but we didn’t make him swim. Then around close to 11 AM, we drove back home to Riverside. I did however, manage to get some lunch at Jollibee. When we got to my parents we rested a bit and then waited for 3:25 to come so we can check in for our Southwest flight. When that was done, we headed over to Cabazon. I have to say I was pretty disappointed and maybe because we didn’t have a lot of time either. I really wanted a nice purse but I didn’t see any I liked. I only managed to snag 2 shirts at Banana Republic. Pathetic I tell you. Next time hopefully, I’ll get to buy a little bit more than that. I felt a little bit bad because my aunt was looking for us. We didn’t get to her place until around 8 or so and by that time Connor was pooped and he started feeling feverish again. I let my cousin hold him for a bit and then it’s bedtime for him. I swear, we dragged Connor here, there and everywhere I feel bad. Next time we go down there we’ll try to ease our schedule a little bit.

Saturday:
I actually woke up early, around 6:30 AM because Connor woke up. He was in the bed with me and he’s an active sleeper so it’s hard for me not to feel his jabs and kicks. He also woke up in the middle of the night (around 2 AM) feeling hot and shivering. I felt so bad for him. I even called Kaiser up to get a temporary Southern CA Kaiser number in case we wanted to bring him into a clinic down there but his fever went down thankfully and he was okay. We ate lunch at my aunt’s and then I waited for my sister and then off we went to the airport. One of my luggages was overweight again and this was after buying a small luggage for Connor’s things. *sigh* Anyway, security was okay and then we waited for our flight. Connor did well and he fell asleep again during the flight.

Here’s some lessons learned:
1) Don’t overpack
2) Make sure you have an extra bag in case you need to unload some things
3) Possibly gate check the carseat (you’ll have to lug that thing around though)
4) Don’t overbook your schedule if you have a baby
5) Take a day off after you get back (which I did). You’ll thank me later.

I think for the most part, we already have a schedule when we go to San Diego in about a week. Most of the dinners and lunches are pretty much set up with our friends except for one. I know they’re busy though because they have a wedding they’re getting ready for. One thing I like about going to SoCal for conferences is that it gives me a chance to meet with family and old friends. That’s pretty much one of the few ways I get to keep in touch with them and I love meeting up. This usually happens when we’re in the area. Since we’re not really tourists, we’d rather meet up with friends. It’s kinda sad that when we’re at our parents’ houses, we usually just go there to sleep. Most times we’re out with friends or visiting our favorite local haunts.

I’ve lived in NorCal for almost 5 years now but I still talk, act and feel like I’m in SoCal. I need to get over it but really, I know there are many things that are undesirable there (the traffic, overpopulation, rude/superficial people, etc. etc.) but I grew up there so it’ll forever be in my heart. Also, there will always be a negative aspect to every place you live in. There’s no utopia after all. It may sound like I wanna go back there and some days I do but for our child’s sake and my career’s sake (hehe), I prefer to stay up here.

Can you tell I’m really excited about our trip? I’m a bit worried about how Connor will do during the plane ride but it’s only an hour thank God. If he does well, we will plan for more trips in the future. However, I already convinced myself to take 2 trips next year: one in Hawaii and one is TBD. I’m considering an adults-only trip for the 2nd one we’ll see. Maybe if the in-laws are willing to watch Connor for a week we can do it. (haha) The travel bug has bit me once again and I can’t wait to explore what’s out there.

Boy June and July are hard months for me financially. I am definitely feeling the pinch with our budget. I guess I’m still getting used to the daycare expenses. I just made some changes with my exemption claims to offset our new expenses. Before we bought the house and had the baby, we fell into that double-income no kids category which means that you get taxed pretty bad. So to avoid that we put “0″ on our W-4 forms but I think now that we have the house and we have child-related expenses, I increased it so I can take advantage of my hard-earned money. Don’t worry. I didn’t do it haphazardly. I did my research and asked for advice first before I did it cause God knows I don’t want to owe taxes come January next year. I think despite increasing my claims, I still have pre-taxed items like my deferred compensation plans and our health benefits. For the first time in a long while, I’ve really had to watch what I spend on. I’m so used to just buying whatever I want, whenever I want but now I make sure that I really need it. Yep, that’s reality for you.

Honestly, I wonder if my parents are even aware of this. Even though I try to tell them or my sister tries to tell them that we have new expenses now, they still don’t believe me or they still think that we got a stash of money somewhere in the Swiss banks. Oh well, we’re not even gonna go there. For now, we’re at an impasse. I know I’m staying somewhere when we go there and we’ll have the car to use and that’s all that matters to me.

Despite all this drama, I still love being a mom to Mr. Connor. No matter what kind of bad things that happen to us, it really all goes away the moment I step into the door and see his smiling face. I think that’s what having a child is all about.

I know I sound really angry right now (and I still am) but I just have to remind myself that despite the bad stuff that’s happening overall, I’m still okay. I have my health, we have a roof over our heads, we eat at least 3x a day, I have a wonderful family who loves me and that’s all that matters really. If they decide to spout negativity towards me, I’m just gonna put on my anti-negativity raincoat. I really can’t be bothered by stupid stuff like this because I have things I need to think about. I am still appalled at how they’re handling this because really, who’s supposed to be mature here? Even after my sister agreed to let us borrow her car, my mom *still* insists that we pay for a rental car. C’mon! I’ve decided to just stay with my aunt when we go there just so there wouldn’t be any tension. Who would wanna stay in a house where you know you’re not wanted? The thing that breaks my heart is that they don’t even care about Connor. You can get mad at me but please don’t include my husband or your grandson in this. It seems that he doesn’t even count! I’m just glad that I have other family that cares about us and think that we’re not the insane ones in this situation. If ever people start asking why we’re not with them, I’m just gonna be blunt and tell them the story. I’m pretty confident that we won’t be the ones who’s gonna look stupid.

Besides all that negativity, life is good.

You know this has gone on way too long and I think it’s about time that I unload what’s been bothering me all this time. My parents are in the process of buying a house. They tell me that this new one they’ve been eyeing are gonna cost cheaper every month compared to what they’re paying now. Well, with today’s market, I don’t think that’s such a good idea especially since you have to sell your own house. I’ve gotten information that because their current house is undervalued, they will have to foreclose when they get the new one. They’re not behind on their payments but my dad is worried that he can’t handle paying that much for too long. So, they’ve asked money from me—a significant amount really and everytime I say no, they make the price lower. Now I’ve been told that they haven’t even gotten a house yet so how will they know how much to pay for the closing costs? I was told that their credit to debt ratio is high so I think they’ll use the money they’ll get from me to offset some of that. You have no idea how many stupid mistakes they’ve done in the past regarding their finances that got them into this mess. I just found this out now.

Yes we have savings but it’s not that much. Plus, we have a son to take care of now. If anything happens to either me or the hubby, we’ll need that emergency money. I know it sounds like I’m being a harda$$ about this but if you knew the background, you’d be holding onto your money too. They’ve got plenty of opportunities in the past to buy that new house. I’m very proud to say that I’ve reached where I’m at because of my own efforts. My parents played very little to no part in helping me get through school. We paid for our own wedding (with some help from the in-laws) and the condo. I have to admit, my dad gave us $1000 to help with the deposit but considering the “help” (or no help) he’s given me in the past, that’s pretty much insignificant. I really appreciated that but at that time, it was something we needed. This time around is different. They’d like to get a new house because they think it’ll save them money. Sure I understand that if the circumstances were different. Why can’t they look at their current expenses and see if they can cut them out? That’s what we did when we knew daycare was inevitable. Also, why can’t my mom and sister start to help out? It doesn’t have to be just my dad who can pay for everything. Shoot, there’s 3 of them and only 2 of us! Last year when we were on the verge of getting foreclosed, I told my mom the situation and she never offered to help. She just told me that hopefully we’ll get the solution we needed (which thank God we did). Despite all this, there is a tiny part of me that feels bad that I’m not helping them and trust me it’s hard to say no but this time, I have to stand firm in my decision.

@ the Filipino Fiesta,
originally uploaded by bukidgurl.

Today is the hubby’s birthday and it also marks our 14th anniversary of togetherness. Honestly looking back, I didn’t think that we’d end up being together this long much less be married and have a kid. At that time, I wasn’t expecting anything. I liked someone else and I thought he liked someone else too. I think I was his second choice. hahaha… Something in me though said to give him a chance and the rest was history. We’ve gone through so much through all these years and it’s hard to imagine life without him. I’m not saying that everything was peaches and cream but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because of him, we had a beautiful son and I ended up with a great life partner and a great father to our son. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that Ferrari you wanted but I’ll wish you a happy birthday anyway.

My mom told me that since I was little, she’s trained me to be independent. As parents, we would eventually want that for our children but in my case, it kinda backfired. When I did become fiercely independent, when I turned 18 and went away for college, it’s as if she said: “Go on with your life, you can handle it.” I felt like she stopped being a mother and she was just there for me to talk to. I realized as I got older that I have so much pent-up anger and frustration towards my family, most especially my mom. I love her to death but boy it’s been a hard struggle. I really, really thought and wished that things would become easier and better as we both got older but I’m finding the opposite to be true.

I’m so used to doing things my own way but that doesn’t mean that I don’t need my mother anymore. I still would like her advice and guidance and sometimes she gives that to me, most of the time when I ask her for it. I like for my mom to just “know” that there’s something wrong with me and try to reach out because I seem to need it. I’ve talked to many people about this and they tell me that she’s brought up in a different generation, a generation that doesn’t really condone showing your feelings to your loved ones. We have a 40-year age gap, so that probably says a lot about why we can’t connect as well. Maybe I’m wrong about this but that’s the only way I can explain it. I won’t go into details but there were countless times that I feel like she wasn’t there for me. I’m sure she probably feels the same way about me, however, I like to extend the olive branch, whereas she’s more non-confrontational and passive. If something’s bothering me, I usually like to talk to the other party but she won’t be having any of that. It’s always inconvenient and inappropriate. Well, I would like to tell her my grievances before she died if that’s okay.

Now that I have a child of my own, what I would like is for us is to have a better relationship—hopefully a much better one than what I have with my own mother. I like open communication and I want to say “I love you” and I want him to say “I love you back.” Those 3 words, they’re very hard to say. I don’t believe that my family is dysfunctional but we’re just different. I know she loves me and I love her too. I just wished that we affirmed it verbally more often.

Anyway, I’ve rambled on too much. The point of my story is, independence is really great but it comes with some unexpected things. I won’t trade it for anything though but maybe the occasional motherly gesture would be nice.

I think that’s it. I’m giving her the talk tomorrow. *sigh* I hope the fires subside by this weekend (highly doubtful). I don’t wanna sound like a whiney person but this smoke is putting a MAJOR cramp on my fitness efforts. I know that I can go to the gym but going there during weekdays is pretty hard. For sure Saturday, I’m gonna go though.